My Love, My Confusion
by Storm-Maker
Summary: ...too everything, never just right...I have nothing but the ability to find shards, thats all I'm good for...tell me that you love me, but you can't...I still hope


Disclaimers Notice: Hey, I could own Inuyasha, you peoples never know!  
  
Authors Beginning Note: Wow, you people are awesome. I can't believe I got over 1 review, and asking for me to write more! Well as I found out, this style is called Prose (or as I say...something in between a regular fic, and a song fic; and in-betweener, but Prose is shorter) so, here by demand, I give you Kagome's thoughts on this Situation.  
  
My Love, My Confusion  
  
****  
  
"I can't believe that jerk!" I said out loud to myself. I wiped away a few wet water droplets from my eyes, but more soon replaced them, so I gave up and just let them flow.  
  
I know I'm not Kikyo, I know I'm not as strong as her, I'm not as cute as her, I'm not as wonderful as her, in fact, your goal seems to be to make sure to point out the very fact that I am nothing like her, which I'm glad I'm not like her, that I'm me, but the way you do it. You tell me my faults and quickly come up with a remark saying "Well, Kikyo was never as clumsy as that" or even better "At least Kikyo was able to defend herself." Well, news flash! I'm not Kikyo! And as for not being able to defend myself, I come from the future....you know, where Demons don't just sneak up on you everyday demanding you for the jewel. She had years to develop her Miko powers and learn how to protect the Shinkon No Tama, I didn't. And another thing, just because I can't be little miss graceful, doesn't mean I'm completely clumsy.  
  
Oh dear, there I go being selfish again.  
  
I let out a sigh in frustration, pulling in a small sob.  
  
No wonder you don't love me, I'm so selfish and mean.  
  
I look up at the rising moon.  
  
Is it really that late...Maybe I should go looking for you? I don't think you would go back to Keade's, since Shippo and the others would bug you.  
  
I slowly got up form the dry ground I had been sitting on since I sat down here to cry, all alone, and on shaky legs began walking to the Goshinboku Tree, the one place I can always count you to be when you're on your own.  
  
I hope you're not too angry with me. I know, you shouldn't be, it was a while ago that we fought, but then again this is you. You're always so sensitive, even though you don't show it. I can se it, especially when we fight. I feel so guilty for hurting you afterwards too. I know how much you hate being 'sit'ed, but you make me so frustrated sometimes!  
  
"Oh Inuyasha! I hate it when we argue." I said sadly to myself.  
  
There are times when I think you are so wonderful and all I want is to be with you, than we go and argue, and my opinions changes quickly, and then back again. No matter what though, there is one emotion that I have that never changes. My love for you. There's no way around it, I love you Inuyasha. I really do love you. The way you smile at the thought of Ramen, How your ears twitch when your nervous, How you smirk after defeating your last enemy, how your so sensitive even if you don't show it all of the time, how your so confident nothing can go wrong, then there are those rare moments when you let your wall of stubbornness and pride crumble for even but a few moments. Everything about you makes me feel happy, like I've never been and never can be without you. But then we argue, and I get so mad at you. There are times when we seem so close and then you push me away. I don't get it? You are so confusing.  
  
"Oh!" I exclaim as I stumble on a root. My mind quickly stumbles back into my head as well, my thoughts broken. I get up and brush off the dirt on me. I soon set off walking in my slow pace, again lost to my surrounding as my thoughts entice me to join them again.  
  
You really do hurt me by all of the mean things you say. I swear there are times I'm convinced you have completely forgotten my name, and 'Wench' is what you will permanently call me. You push me. You say snide and rude remarks. You're always comparing me to Kikyo. I can never seem to make you happy. I'm too slow, too clumsy, too immature. Too everything, never just right. But then there are those times when you completely amaze me. Like when I'm really cold, you'll always make sure I get warmth somehow, even if it means giving me your rat-fire haori. You're always saving me. There are actually times when you and I have really nice conversations, and you truly listen to me without ridiculeing me. And when I'm tired or hurt, you carry me. You really do make me feel as if I could fly a thousand feet on feathery wings I never had until I met you.  
  
I stop and stare at the thick treetops. It's hard to see the moon and stars from here. Maybe, while I'm at the Goshinboku I will be able to gaze at them a bit. I presume to head into my designated destination.  
  
Oh Inuyasha, I Love you, but I know that you could never really love me, so why do I persistently follow you, push though the harsh treatment I've been given, risk my life for yours, Why do I stay by your side when I could be at home living the comforts of my old simple life. It's amazing what strength love can lend a person, or stupitiy. Sometimes I can't tell the difference. But what good is it for me? Shouldn't that strength belong to Kikyo, the one you love? I am not the one you love, she is. I can't be like her either, no matter how hard I could try, if I wanted to. We may look so much alike, and share a shard of the same soul, but we are too different to be the same. I know you love her Inuyasha, I see it, I look at the way you treat her, and then the way you treat me, so than how can I expect to beat her at a game she has already won? She has so much to offer you, to tempt you, to seduce you with, while I.  
  
"I have nothing but the ability to find shards. That's all I'm good at."  
  
I stopped and wiped away hot tears from my eyes. I didn't start walking again until I was sure that I would not cry.  
  
Why does fate have to be so cruel? Cupid's arrows so sharp? I could have nearly any guy at school, and I know if I tried, at least more than a few here. I could be with Hojo, I could be with Kouga, but my heart forbids it. There's something about you! Why is it you that my heart only allows to let itself pound to it's breaking point for you? I feel so hot, so cold, so frustrated, so complete, so happy, so sad, so embarrassed, so comfortable. So everything and only for you, none other. It is you that has my heart, and I am helpless to take it back, even if I wanted it.  
  
Inuyasha; my love, my confusion.  
  
I stopped as I came to a clearing. There stood a tall tree, with a silver haired, amber eyed Hanyou, so strong, even in silence.  
  
You must be deep in thought because you always know when I'm about. You seem so relaxed and tense at the same time. A flying refrigerator could pass by you right now and I bet you wouldn't even notice. Silly Inuyasha.  
  
"Inuyasha?" I asked kindly, all sadness washed away.  
  
"What do you want?" He asked harshly, I brushed it away. You never do like it when I manage to sneak up on you. I hid a smile.  
  
"I just wanted to make sure you were o.k. You've been gone for a while." I said, you growl, but not entirely unkindly. I smile. I see you stare up at the moon, so I sit and lean against the tree. I too stare up into the vast heavens above us. I am lost in my own thoughts, until I feel your gaze upon me, then it shifts back to the pale-lit orb in the sky of envious diamonds.  
  
My eyes linger upon you. Your lean muscular body, your long silver hair that flows like a river and shimmers like silver. The wind tugs at it playfully, taunting me, your cute fuzzy ears twitching, listening, torturing me in there cuteness, knowing very well that I can't touch them, but dare me to anyways, your face still and showing a mixture of emotion, most unidentifiable by me they are so jumbled. Your long fingers gracefully wrapped around the hilt of your sword, preparing for attacks unknown to you, but sure that it will come. And your lips. They look soft; they're twisted into a small smile, one of those smiles that people would have to know you well in order to tell it was there. I wish that one day, yours and mine can become one, to feel that small pressure upon my own unworthy lips, and tasting the wild tastes they hold within.  
  
Maybe someday...just maybe...it will happen...  
  
I feel dizzy just looking at you. My veins course with feeling for you. I love you so much. I wish you would carry me in your strong arms and tell me that you love me, but I know you can't...you can't because of Kikyo. I know, you must choose between Kikyo and I, though I stand little chance, I still hope. Please though Inuyasha, hurry, I fear I will be crushed under it all, and I fear even more of what parts of me will snap and fall to the ground like a newly cut down tree.  
  
A slight chill winds its way around me and I give a slight shudder at its presence at the sudden cold. I guess I hadn't really noticed that it had cooled down. I look up into your deep molten amber eyes; that I feel myself getting lost in, and to tell you the truth, I don't know, if I want to find my way back; as you stand in front of me, in the place you landed when you jumped off of your branch.  
  
"You shouldn't be out here. It's cold you know." He said nonchalantly, but I can tell he's slightly concerned, if even a little. I nodded in response.  
  
"Feh." You toss me your red Haori.  
  
"Put that on before you freeze." You say gruffly. I willingly wrap myself in it. It's so warm, and smells just like you. Wild, and free. I look back at you.  
  
"Thank You." I said smiling. I guess this is as close as either of us gets to an apology, but that's okay. I just don't want us fighting right now. Are you blushing? I swear you're blushing. I surpress a giggle as you lower yourself and hide your face. That confirms it. You're blushing and you're trying to hide it. You're so cute.  
  
"Get on, it's faster." I nod, but he can't see me. I wrap my arms around your neck and inhale the mysterious scents your hair has. You know, for never combing it, it's extremely soft and silky. You get up and in no time we are rushing head long into the wind. I love it! I absolutely love it. To feel you against me, I can feel your lean muscles underneath me and the wind rushing passed us. The smells of warm earth, moss, and spicy herbs on you. I can feel my heart pounding wildly. All I want is to do this forever with you Inuyasha. I love you.  
  
Oh Inuyasha...may you choose soon....before I break  
  
****  
  
Authors Ending Note: Slightly revised but not much really, but still better than it used to be. I hope you enjoyed it! 


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